copscotch vs. dan
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It all began in June of 2000 with me complaining about a film Steve "Copscotch" Seagren made that used dozens of comics but not me. "Thanks a lot for inviting me," I whined.
Copscotch replied:
shit we forgot about you which is ironic because the title of the film is "fuck you dan kaufman "
From: "Dan Kaufman"
Sent: May 20, 2001
Subject: Re: dan kaufman spins web of deceit
"Copscotch"
wrote
> he has no birthday hes been dead for 35yrs he kept it
a secret so he could have sex with the living
steve is just mad because i'm having sex with his mother, sisters, daughters,
aunts, neices, and female cousins...
From: "Dan Kaufman"
Sent: May 22, 2001
Subject: Re: dan kaufman saves orphans....
"Copscotch" wrote
>
.....for last on his twisted mission to personally inseminate
>the human race with his tainted seed
It's not tainted. I just ate asparagus the evening you blew me.
dk
ps- your mustache tickles.
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: Sunday, April 07, 2002
the following is a transcipt of dan kaufmans set at the improv in march
dan kaufman
hows everybody doin tonight
audience
yawn
dan kaufman
hey cmon this shits fucking funny people
audience
(silence )
dan kaufman
its comedy folks cant you read the sign
audience
(cough )
dan kaufman
you gotta think about some of these jokes people ( mic feedback ) i mean im
not gonna shoot rockets out of my ass up here
audience
i think its time we left
dan kaufman
hey whered you learn to whisper ? ...in a helicopter
audience
waiter! check please!
dan kaufman
what are you late for the tractor pull ? go ahead and leave you fucks you
cant
handle my edgy and skewed take on the human condition!!!!!
(audience files out )
dan kaufman
im sorry.... please come back...... please (sobbing ) wont someone please
(falling to his knees ) listen to these wonderful jokes ive written ( puts
head in his hands sobbing uncontrollably)
(enter copscotch )
copscotch
dont cry little guy ill listen to your act
dan kaufman
really ? (sniff) gosh thank you copscotch youve saved me from suicide
copscotch
oh no need to thank me im always willing to lend a hand to young comics like
yourself its what i do
dan kaufman
copscotch youre the greatest
end
From: Dan Kaufman
Sent: Monday, April 08, 2002
That was pretty accurate. Coppie went up after me and did a killer five...
I bought a transcript from CNN.com...
Copscotch
i love you, booze!
Audience
What smells like vomit?
Copscotch
let me smell your ass! i mean your dairy-air! shit!
Audience
(shifts uncomfortably)
Copscotch
i don't get it. this stuff has been killin since 1985 what's up?
(unintentional pratfall)
Audience
You have a drinking problem!
Copscotch
booze, was that you?
(swats at invisble bats)
Audience
Won't somebody help that poor man?
Copscotch
(wets self)
Man that coppie kills me every time! I love him so!
dk
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: Tuesday, April 09, 2002
little deekay wrote:
> Coppie went up after me and did a killer five...
>I bought a transcript from CNN.com...
>
>Copscotch
>thank you thank you its good to be here
>
>Audience
>(applause applause)
>
Copscotch
>thank you thanks
>
>Audience
>(cheers )
>
>Copscotch
>heck i dont know what to say
>
>Audience
>we love you copscotch
(confetti falls from the ceiling )
>
> Copscotch
>aww shucks
>
>Audience
>(stands and applauds while young girl hands copscotch flowers)
>
>Copscotch
>(wets self audience goes wild mayor of hollywood hands him key to the city )
>
>
>Man that coppie kills me every time! I love him so!
back at ya kaufie
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: April 14, 2002
Subject: regarding dan kaufman
this past week ive been extremely busy
i started a fire in a housing development
i saw e.t. again i finished reading orson scott gards "ender" series for
the
second time( thats 4 books ) i wrote a play( which i plagiarized from samuel
beckett) i pulled an entire lithuanian family from a burning housing
development i scared a prostitute straight i thought evil thoughts
about
the demise of klownhuntr .........and his ilk i used the lords name in
vain while administering cpr to a fallen shriner i escaped from a
straight jacket while suspended upside down from a flag pole to the delight
of
vistors to the 3rd street promenade in santa monica and i made myself a great
tuna sandwich (probably the best ever made )
what do these spectacular accomplishments have to do with dan kaufman ?
nothing........... but my thoughts were with him the entire time
Yeah, but that Steve's a fickle one...
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: Tuesday, July 30, 2002
haughtplate:
> Who are you, Dan Kaufman?
ya know that name sounds kind of familiar........dan kaufman .....wait...
im
thinking of " mankauf daniels" the famous goiter specialist
i dont think ive ever heard of .....that other guy
From: Dan Kaufman
holy hell, cops!
how about the time i dragged you from a burning car off the side of sunset.
"get yer lousy mits off me!" you mumbled as i pulled you to safety.
it wasn't even your burning car. someone else crashed it an hour before and to
this day no one knows how
you got in there.
it's lucky i happened by when i did. you seemed a little off-balance and sleepy
at the time, as if you
had taken a blow to the head or been drugged somehow.
i visited you in the hospital every day for three months and put lotion on your
burns. you really don't
remember? you kept calling me ludwig...
for some reason you had to drink your medicine from a silver flask they kept
under the covers. i felt
for you because it smelled awful, but you had such a good attitude. "doctors
orders, ludwig!" you'd say,
and then force yourself to take another sip.
i guess it was a rough time for you and so i can't feel bad if you've blocked it
out. but i will never
forget it. not ever.
From: "Copscotch"
Date: July 31, 2002
who are you ?
From: Dan Kaufman
Date: August 01, 2002
jeez man,
i was the super in your building for six years back when you lived in chicago.
i unclogged your toilet i
don't know how many times, and once even pulled a tapeworm out of you.
i dated your sister for a while in the late 70's. (we met on a couples skate at
the axle roller rink.)
i bailed you out of jail on some DUIs and then got you off in court.
i loaned you 8 grand with no interest.
when you moved out to LA i helped you load up the truck and drove you.
i am sitting in your lap right now!
it's me, dan kaufman! remember?
dan
(i am tugging on your mustache!)
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: August 01, 2002
stan hoffman ? i dont know you now get off my lawn
From: Dan Kaufman
Sent: Aug 07, 2002
Let me save us all some time...
Me:
Hi Copscotch!
Copscotch:
huh? who are you?
Me:
I'm Dan Kaufman! We had flapjacks together at Nick's diner in Chicago. On the way back, you bitched about the cold, remember? And then I called you
an LA pansyass. Then in LA you took me to Pinks or whatever it's called and we talked about what a jerk Frank Dumana
was... Come on seriously, I know you're kidding, but this is really starting to hurt my feelings.
Copscotch:
hurt whose feelings? who? wha?
Me:
I'm Dan Kaufman!!! How about if i shiv you in the ribs a few times? That jog your memory at all?
Copscotch:
[coughing blood] who said that? i... stan freberg is that you? i ...
[dies]
Me:
[clap-wiping hands] And that's the end of that chapter!
Copscotch's Headstone:
"whos this dan kaufman anyway? seriously."
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: August 07, 2002
hey wait a second ...are you ...dan kaufman ? the comedian ?
heck i know you youre the guy i dont know
well it sure is good to meet you mr ..uh
what was your name again
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: September 24, 2002
Subject: chicago comic does good
congats to dan kaufman and his husband for their appearance on this weeks
"trading spaces"
way to go dan
more seagren!
unauthorized tell-all biography of dan kaufman
steve seagren vs. diane alaimo