copscotch and bean
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There is a little online place where comics hang out and post messages. In years past when our beloved Diane "Bean" Alaimo was still with us, she and Steve "Copscotch" Seagren used to battle constantly. The sexual tension beneath the surface of their cruelty was unmistakable. I tell you it was like Tracy and Hepburn without the class and good looks. Diane, usually the toughest broad in the room would play the victim (with liberal use of caps and exclamation points). She'd cry at what a jerk Steve was and then Steve would misquote her in his replies, and the rest of us... well, the rest of us would laugh.
Enjoy.
(Note: Steve types in all lower case because he can't hit the shift key with a scotch in one hand.)
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: January 16, 2001
bean and cos are going at it i think cos needs some help :
cos cos cos you are going about this all wrong here let me give ya some
pointers :
(use her words against her like this)
bean wrote:
>but i still forgot more shit than you will
>EVER know,
now you respond :
yeah more shit than ill ever know about comedy during the civil war
(ya see cos ya see how i did that you can bet shes heatin up to a slow boil
all ready )
(now heres one that i invented my self its called the "accidental deliberate
misquote " now brace your self this could be a little harsh )
bean wrote :
>what part of your lil ass did you pull didactic out of??????
>im jealous the
only thing that comes out of my ass is babe the pig jizz<
(no need to even respond to that one cos by now shes on the floor clutching
her heart and your job is done )
you will learn kid just keep practicing by the way im proud of ya
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: March 09, 2001
diane "boat act" bean :
>with my doctors help and the support of family and friends, I have worked
>thru it, and have managed to pull what is left of my poor pathetic vagina back
>together.
>
leapin lizards!! thats more than i care to know !
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: March 09, 2001
diane is mad because she thinks i called her a "boat act" (as in an act that
should be working cruise ships) the conversation went like this :
copscotch
hi diane its me copscotch i just called to see if you are feeling better
bean
fuck you ! i have a heart condition !
copscotch
hope you get better real soon
bean
you dick i hate you
copscotch
did you get the flowers i sent you
bean
you can kiss my ass i hate flowers you bastard
copscotch
oh thats right i apoligize i was only trying to make you feel better i guess
i should have sent candy please forgive me
bean
you cocksucker asshole motherfucker
copscotch
hey diane you should relax maybe you need a vacation why dont you take a
nice cruise
bean
are saying im a boat act you dicklicker rat bastard owww my vagina i
hate you i hate you (click )
copscotch
hello? hello ?
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: March 10, 2001
bean:
>THE ONLY REASON HE EVER DATED ME, I HAVE COME TO LEARN, WAS TO GET A HEAD IN
MY VAGINA!!!!
aye tis true and damned if it didnt fit even with my hat on!
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: March 20, 2001
diane bean wrote
> what if im using my 60 watt "babe the pig" multi-speed feminine pleasure
>device and theres a rolling black out before i hit paydirt can i finish
>myself off with a real pig cock and not be scorned by society ?
>the bean
sweet baby ray's bbq sauce !!!!!! im prayin for a blackout right now
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: May 24, 2001
bean:
>HES BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think im gonna weep again! oh lordie, sweet jesus,
>and just in time for my surgery too
>im having a "little mermaid" pez despenser removed from my ass its been
>their for years im gonna miss lil thing
i think ill have to send the doctor a get well card
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: May 26, 2001
Subject: Re: this is the last straw!!!!!!
>BUT THEN!!!!!!!
>Then he said, can you still blow me?
>I said no,
etc
>the bean
>la la la
>
the following is a transcript of the bean -copscotch phone conversation in
question
copscotch
hi diane i just called to see if you need anything
bean
fuck you you jagoff i have heart condition
copscotch
thats it diane let it out if it makes you feel better ill be here for you
bean
you fucking prick i need open heart surgery
copscotch
(shaking his fists towards heaven weeping )
why ? why? there is no god how could this happen to the most wonderful
person in the world if i could id give you my heart diane i would gladly
sacrifice my own life so that you could go on filling the world with joy
bean
what do you mean can i blow you ? you fucking rat bastard i have a heart
condition
(click)
copscotch
hello ? hello ?
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: May 27, 2001
>oh yeah, thats EXACTLY how the conversation went too bad he left out the
>part when i queefed into the phone
>the bean
queefed ? was that what that was i thought there was a buffalo in your bedroom
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: May 28, 2001
>when the Dr told me what had to be done, i only asked one question,
>when its over, will i still be able to shoot tennis balls out of my vagina"
>you remember like before ?
>and the doctor replied, "it will be the best thing for your recovery"!!!!!!
>
great ceasars ghost !!!!!!!!! is that all you think about
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: May 29, 2001
>no! most other times i think about ways to stimulate myself with everyday
house hold items
>
>the bean
>thinking about my plunger
yikes feets dont fail me now
From: "Copscotch"
Sent: July 05, 2001
bean:
> im working hard on finding a cure for copscotchs COLD COLD heart! after
>that im going to open a starbucks in my vagina it should do well im certain ill
>get alot of walk-in traffic
you know i think that whole vagina routine has played out but ill take a latte
We love you, Bean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
more seagren!
unauthorized tell-all biography of dan kaufman