ask dan kaufman
In April of '03 Dan Kaufman Inc. began receiving a series of strange correspondences which seemed to share nothing in common but a lack of caps, missing punctuation, and an inability to get my name right. (Boy, does that curdle my custard!) I have reproduced them here verbatim for your diversion. I cannot vouch for the authenticity of these queries except to assure you that I, Dan Kaufman, did not write any of them....
april 02, 2003 5:01 am
dear dan kaufmayer
i think "zombie
"is a funny word do you
use it in your act ?
signed
fan from ta"coma"
april 03, 2003 12:47 pm
dear don haufman
my mother thinks youre cute in a gay way i think shes taking too many meds
how do i get her to reduce her dosage ?
signed
lovedavelittle
april 05, 2003 12:41 am
dear dan kreppleman
im a long time fan ive been following your career since you were in the
famous comedy duo "gluckman and needlebaum "
i think your old "where's my cheese " routine is classic
is there any chance that you and your partner steve gelder will ever perform
together again ?
signed
an unborn child from dusseldorf
april 05, 2003 12:34 pm
dear dan kurtzman
weeks ago i sent you a cashiers check securing you as my mail order bride
you have yet to be delivered what gives ?
signed
husky latvian fellow
april 05, 2003 2:30 pm
dear hans von kaufenhoeven
i was at the show you did in mechanicsburg mo. you were right in the middle
of that controversial "what if e t landed in my neighborhood " bit when someone
fired a crossbow from the crowd and hit you square in the chest
you went on with show like nothing happened (you even closed with that soft
shoe number that my wife and i love so much)
my question is do you consider hecklers to be an important part of the show?
signed
mr cunnilingus
april 05, 2003 5:26 pm
dear stan kaufwinkle
my cell mate and i think youre the cats meow
any chance you'll be gigging in sing sing in the next 25 to 30 years?
signed
governor archibald (archie) gottrocks
april 06, 2003 4:12 am
dear dirk liebskauf
the kids and i just loved your show
even tho ive seen other magicians do some of those tricks you still managed to
draw both laughter and amazement from at least one table
however
i havent seen anyone perform in black face in quite awhile isnt it still
considered offensive?
signed
greta trueheart usa
april 06, 2003 7:30 pm
dear mister man
my name is timmy and i am 11 years old
the doctors let me watch your funny comedy tapes they say its helping me and
someday i might be well
when i grow up i want to be a dietician
how old were you whan you knew what you wanted to be ?
signed
"lil" timmy baxter
wisconsin state hospital for the criminally insane
april 08, 2003 10:39 am
dear dan feldman
dude im listening to your "smokin grass is groovy " cd right now while i'm
writing this
dude im so baked your fuckin hilarious dude seriously dude so like my
question is:
if a dude like me wanted to like.........do what you do ?
you know what im saying?
signed
soccer mom in seacaucus
At this point, the letters stopped abruptly. Then, almost to the day, a year later...
april 11, 2004 3:45 am
dear manny
hasselblatt
i am in my early sixties yesterday my wife ran off with a chinaman.........
along with our two children maribellle and flossypants .....who are conjoined
twins
to add insult to injury i just found out i have been diagnosed with polio
my question is this :
is there any way you could take a break from your puppeteering to get in touch
with copscotch he can
save me from an early grave
many thanks in advance
chester t fauntleroy III
saigon indiana
april 11, 2004 4:10 am
dear dan leibesstrausen
dude i caught your set at the promenade in seacaucus last night
afterwards my girl friend had a miscarriage
for god sake dude!
would it kill you to learn how to juggle?
dr. leo "shorthammer" rothschild
johannesburg pa.
april 11, 2004 4:37 am
dear lars kaufenbauer
you should just ignore all the naysayers and bad press
my husband and i saw you at the "laughter biscuit"
all i can say is..... LOL ROTFLMAO.....
ha ha isnt that what the kids say nowadays ?
well if they dont they sure should ha ha
when will you be coming back to nova scotia?
lovedavelittle
shreveport taiwan
april 13, 2004 12:56 pm
dear dan johnsman
recently we all went to see you in your one man show "defending the kaufman"
you were.....adequate...... in the role of "gelder" the danish transexual and
most of us agreed the sodomy sequence was at once both terrifying and
strangely touching tho it seemed oddly out of place in a circus setting
all in all we coudnt help but ask ourselves... do we really need another "look
out world here i come im gonna make it after all " feel good play?
these audience members say no
mrs muldoons
third grade class at
benjamin franklin grade school
mandrake falls ny
april 15, 2004 2:49 am
dear darren klienhempfer
you know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes?
you look like a rube. a well-scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste...
good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than
one generation from poor white trash are you ?
that accent youre trying so desperately to shed .......pure west virginia.
what was your father? was he a coal miner? did he stink of the
lamp...?
and oh, how quickly the boys found you! all those tedious, sticky
fumblings, in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out.
getting anywhere - yes?
getting all the way - to the.... f...b..i
signed
senator (wild) willy fromberg (ret)
boys town nebraska
april 16, 2004 2:00 am
dear dean pfinsterman
you have been an inspiration to me
yesterday i fashioned a likeness of your face out of one of my kidney stones
my folks think im insane they want to send me back to ............that place
they dont understand creative people like you and i
lately everything smells like burning hair to me
does that happen to you too?
signed
superman
april 17, 2004 1:16 am
dear dan kaufman
i know that ive
misspelled your name but i gave it my best shot
last month my life partner and i caught your show at "eli bosco's humorseum"
i was more than pleasantly surprised by the quality of your act
to be honest ive never been a real fan of androgyny
but i have to say girl you really pulled it off
(and to maximum effect)!!!!
what a refreshing change from the
psychic comedy bullshit they usually run thru that dive
my question is this :
have you ever been mistaken for a man and if so how far did you take it ?
signed
steve seagren
best thread ever
usa
april 18, 2004 12:57 am
dear durwood shmecklwitz hey man that letter you got from senator wild willy fromberg was a total ripoff of "silence of the lambs" i cant believe that guy ever got voted into office youve got to be sick of these idiots writing these letters to you if it was me id just go apeshit man id fucking have to go out and waste someone but you wouldnt do that would you ? thats because youre a pussy fuck you signed dan kaufman dankaufman.com check out my website north dakota
april 18, 2004 1:49 am
dear franz kampfmein i dont know you and ive never seen your act however my wife and i saw a wonderful comedy show at universal studios orlando and we were wondering why you cant be more like the funny comedians we saw there signed ed and myrtle labia scrotaltuck new jersey
All letters above written by and copyright 2004, Steve Seagren